I am wasting away my life like you point out. When we lose ourselves, and so we forget who we are and what matters to us, it's time to halt. Is it because women spend too much time on makeup or dressing? OR wait-and-see: If he does contact you, then YOU get back to HIM a week later, saying, “Thank you, but I’m busy right now.” DON’T explain why you are busy. So you see, all you’re saying are just excuses for something that can be easily corrected. so when this started happening this built a huge paranoia – not helpful – that further eroded the non-trusting-relationship further – conveniently to my relief in the end – as you point out – seeing as I became frightened of her inexperience and what it was going to result in for me – which was in reality loads of trouble being labeled as something actually I am not normally. She even sent a text message reminder that morning again saying no CP time, everyone PLEASE be there on time its so important. Having someone unreliable is hurtful and not worth the stress for the little bit of companionship you get. But I do think there was Countertransferance of some kind from the therapist over the issue because she didn’t handle it well – hense why she went nuts – twice – and then lots of weeks not mentioning it at all – making me feel I had actually been on time then and not actually fully aware of the full weekly problem, or the seriousness. She struggles with superficial friendships and often feels lost and at sea.Her family live far away from her, all around the world and she surrounds herself with friends to bat away loneliness. If it takes me a half hour to shower, dress, do my hair, and put on make-up, and half an hour to get my breakfast, then I know I need to get up by 6:25. Ross's likeness has become part of popular culture, with his image spoofed in television programs, films and video games like Family I think it is a combination of a presence of anxiety in my life and inability/disliking context switching. I know a project will never replace having the love of your life. I often get told how calm I am. I didn’t want to do it alone. If that isn’t an aggressive form of control, I don’t know what is – he IS saying submit to all my needs or else and that is really an unacceptable place to be for any employee, especially if you can’t trust him to start with. But it does give me an excellent opportunity to face the things I had to face as a kid with new tools/awareness. I was relieved at her every eventual arrival because it meant I would escape further abuse from the teacher at that point, but this relief was temporarary because the relationship with my mother was non existant in reality and her presence/ her own abuses of me would start up – especially once I told her about her being late again and/or about the teachers behaviour towards me. . People kept looking at me, that looking at you to see how your doing/dealing with something. That director came near my office and I immediately stood up. I had unrealistic fantasies of having an open man-sharing role, where I was a help to both him and his wife. I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s done this to someone. Not being late when we had plans to meet, but cancelling on me repeatedly (and last minute) and taking forever to text me back (days sometimes!). 10. As I’ve dealt with my anxiety, I have realized I am less judgmental about myself and others. Your needs matter, your feelings matter, your thoughts matter, your beliefs matter, and your choices matter. Not just fifteen minutes or so, but an hour or more! that being ‘good’ and striving to be ‘perfect’ is the route to not only getting what you want but also being *worthy* of it. I have a new therapist now who is more fully trained and experienced in dealing with the kinds of trauma I have and experienced in abusive relationships and she noted immediately – like you – I was overly responsible for more than my fair share of guilt and shame in a number of things – why didn’t the ex therapist see this? Coworker did not contact me until I was at work on Monday and we happened to run into each other – no overt action on her part. Yeah, the whole invite me over then put some other womens picture out! 7. "Always expecting the guy to pay is rude," says Delbert, 26. Yep I was engaged at one point and consumed with him. I didn’t want to do it alone. If you really want to go out with this man and are willing to make compromise, you can try something like, “Aww, I really feel sad because you cancelled our date. So what I’m saying is instead of going to your boss to complain about this guy, go and ‘complain’ about other things, things you’ve solved etc., which is a subtle way to also show case your work, suck up etc. I enjoyed making every episode, but it took making eighty or so to zone in on how I wanted to do things. She said she “fell asleep” at 4PM on Saturday. Sometimes our gut knows before our head does. So he still would stand me up, only he would give the apology – not really an improvement. But it would never be ‘enough’ for guys like this, no matter what you do. Similarly dont let that other guy see that you are avoiding him – he is probably feeding off your vulnerability. If women always tell you, “You’re a great guy but I don’t feel that spark…”. I don’t buy it. I don't know why I even wait, but I really care about him. All of those things are true and just typing them out made me feel clear and light. It’s not that things don’t happen and that none of us can ever be late but how we typically treat time does say a lot about how much we respect other people’s time as well as our own. I even texted her “I can’t believe you’re late!” And she responded with a sad-face. This experience has taught me so much about commitment and releasing perfectionism. She didn’t even bother letting us know that she was held up. Exactly. Now I say WOW and it feels overwhelming. if your office prefers women to be more ‘going along’ with things then its better not to be that no-nonsense person when the crap hits the roof. You are not ready to accept that you will not be his one and only. The sex was bad: I wasn’t that into her in the first place and on the second date we were about do the nasty and she jerked my dick so hard that it hurt for like a week. If I’m going somewhere that is out of my routine, again, I follow the procedure of counting backward. Also, it helps me with my anxiety because I can break the steps down, and prioritize better. Let’s cut to the chase – pun intended. For anyone who struggles with time management and staying organized, I suggest a visit to her website. Plus you give yourself some wiggle room. it depends on how late he is, if hes more than 15 minutes late, and he doesnt have a valid reason (like traffic or helping someone or something along those lines) then it shows that hes not very punctual and is probably a bad planner and will be consistently late. They took out their frustration and anger on you. It might not have been what they intended, but their actions do have consequences that shouldn’t only be experienced by you. I live in a shitty city for traffic. He has all the answers and wants to date a girl who will just nod her head and smile. It depends. I felt so humiliated that I’d waited for him all night, I decided there and then that this man was more interested in using substances(legal &illegal ones) than he ever could be in me. It was his car and I had no other way to get home so I was stuck sitting there. I can’t believe I put up with such a selfish ass. I talk about why no isn't a dirty word on the current episode (199) of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. If the boss wants us there then it is wise for us to stay. You are addicted and it is best to go cold turkey in order to break any addiction – hense non contact – this includes all physical presents and reminders in your own home, numbers on phones – change his name to USER – do not read texts/emails delete them and get rid of all your means to break and contact, stalk him ie email, facebook access etc….start getting out there meeting new people – if he comes in your work towards you treat him as if he was dangerous to your health and go to the bathroom, come on this website, turn your back, your face, put your fingers in your ears – do anything you have to do to stay away from him and break this addiction – or stay hooked and slowly disappear – good luck. You know like when we keep finding ourselves in repeat situations or the problem we’ve hoped will go away without us having to assert ourselves snowballs and becomes acutely uncomfortable. Although on paper she is great to get a long with. 8.I pursue younger women because they are not demanding and have low expectations that I can meet – at least for awhile. What he wants is of no importance – it is what you want? Calla, you’re still hooked on him. It isn’t that I’m just late for friends who may not express displeasure about it, it happens with work, transport, appointments etc and has a detrimental effect across all areas of my life. I have come a long way. I need to develop a thicker skin and find a healthier/more supportive environment. Many men break out all the stops early on in the dating process, but by the fifth of sixth date, the laziness starts to creep in. You might feel that if you can make it on time to things, that other should be able to do the same. Putting time and effort into new friendships. Come to think of it, in my twenties I had a meangirl BFF who started standing me up at the last minute. I dated a guy once whose car broke down within 2 months of the relationship. We say that we’re just trying to be a friend or that we’re giving them another chance. save over 30% on BREAK THE CYCLE OF EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY, the online course. This is one of the reasons why I'm in favor of cell phone access in the subway. I started saying negative things about myself TO myself in my head. Then I reached adulthood and found myself showing up late for everything just like Mom. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Good riddance. Really enjoyed reading the responses to this. On our discussion boards, a member named killerman has run into a situation where girls are changing date times last minute, or otherwise being late for a date. And you are absolutely right, this person avoids conflict and is a people pleaser who thinks he can build up good behavior credits. When he finally showed up, he was nice enough. Then they left without me. I find it easier to overlook things, to forgive people their weaknesses. So, if he's always talking about himself and never asks you questions about your life, day, or passions, the guy's too self-absorbed to date seriously. But having a thin skin isn’t an option – people will take advantage, and also it might make you blow things out of proportion. It is a hard task. I’ve spent too much time accommodating people who clearly don’t respect my time. He doesn’t care what you want, or even who you are, because he makes all the choices and his preferences always trump yours. That doesn’t make sense. He was 45 minutes late picking me up because he underestimated the amount of time it would take to put on his tux. I don’t understand him at all. The pay off was a sense of purose, mixed with superiority, comfort, competence, and…I was motivated …, happy with my accomplishments, until I realized how much other people were sucking me dry, (…duped…taken advantage of…people needed to get up off their lazy asses and do it their damn-selves…not my responsibility! That made life easier. Dear Alice, My boyfriend is always late when we have something planned. I put up with this for far too long with my ex-EUM, even though we were together barely 5-6 months. I’ve been using a homeopathic remedy instead. Dont work yourself up; remember, this is anxiety talking. She was devastated she made me feel that way and has never done that again. WTF. So then, what do I have to do to be out the door at 7:25? Repressed ones pile up and ultimately drain you. We had a business together, yeah bad idea, and had a lot of children activities to attend to. Years ago I subscribed to:   http://www.flylady.net/. In my promise to be a bit more shouty about things I’m up to, here’s a little something I’ve been working on over the last few months Blinkist, the app that creates short versions of bestselling non-fiction reads has launched Shortcasts, short versions of, yep, podcasts. Day in and day out. Some agree the time and then show at the time that they always intended to. I think I was in shock because the reality of what had happened didn’t hit me until the next day. Could be a red flag. They have a high turnover, not surprising. There have been other times where he wasn't late but his time management issues caused for plans to be ruined. I’ve been working my ass off, for myself, to learn how to protect myself without running away. I am slowly now dealing with sorting out the backlash that came, after I lost the ex therapist, from others connected, when they saw I was unsupported! Well I am usually always on time. I haven’t planned anything with her in a long time, so I forgot how annoying this was, but that was the reason I stopped planning with her. During one of our first dates, my boyfriend was very late at meeting me for an outing we had planned. This is protection indeed AND I have successfully used this before when I thought I’ll do it but never use it… it was so useful I wish I had used this before and it also shows you clearly just what IS going on and how often so you can monitor it and choose to change strategy and avoid further stuff, if needed as well as use it as evidence of harassment. Do you have an Overactive Guilt Thyroid? It could be, though, that in our quest to be what we think is our version of ’good’, ’loving’ or even ’perfect’, we got so caught up in playing this role that we stopped knowing how to be us. By tying your worth and what you think will happen to how much you can basically influence and control other people’s feelings and behaviour, you’re set up for perpetual disappointment, leaving you veering between feeling that nothing is ever enough and struggling to enjoy any success due to anxiety about what’s next. Judy(and others), I’m sorry but if we were all able to just stop our unhealthy and damaging behaviors, there would be no need for this blog. OR just choose to nopt respond at all. Really liked this one too. We just talk on the phone, keeps me sane. I always had a ready excuse. They require you to lie to yourself and to do things that aren’t in your best interests. My house is older, so there are definitely things that need fixing beyond my capability and budget. I didn’t want things to look bad FOR HIM. The Western US version of this is to say you’ll be there at such and such a time and just plain not show up. It could be that in our pursuit of a goal, we’ve lost connection to other things that matter because we’re blinded by who we think we’ll be when we get what we want. So he went to my boss or the v.p. Calling and questioning the first one was met with some bs and excuses. Why would you think he’s trying to manage down your expectations when you’re no longer even in a relationship with him? And the funny thing is that you don't tend to judge others for struggling or needing help the way you do you! Initially, I was so absorbed with PAIN. There's a younger version of you for every age, every moment of your life. This was his way of making me prove my love. As for your ex, projecting much, buddy????? Meaning my house chaos came first, then the two ACs. Not just fifteen minutes or so, but an hour or more! This is not because she is too busy to, but rather that her priority is to chat. – ! You need a break. It’s like I keep expecting him to magically transform into the man I thought he was when we first met or the man I see in him some of the time (but clearly it’s just an illusion). And then he would text and say to go on in but that he was running late…running errands that made no sense because he could have done the errands on any other day. It’s these assumptions and judgments that stop us from humanising ourselves and others. You will feel and know their interest. It just sounds to me as if you’re game playing, trying to pretend you’re ‘flushing’ him and that you’re moving on etc but you’re not yet otherwise you wouldn’t be talking in these ways. You think you’re doing everything right. But we all need it. It was like she was trying to please everyone at the same time and not really stopping to think about what she wanted and who she should really give her precious time to. , avoid all personal contact, and anxiety returned you in the beginning sets the tone for how will... 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