Getting more and more infuriated. I know what I’m talking about because years ago I was habitually late. I do not want to call him again and if he calls me late tomorrow about this I will say I have other plans, actually I was going to go out of town to visit my parents. Maybe you treat him great. I really want to meet my other half and settle down. It’s bloody lonely, infuriating, soul-destroying and shaming. Did you look at the clock? These cookies do not store any personal information. Em joined me for episode 200 (my first with a guest) and we answered listener questions, including how we met, our thoughts on how we knew the other was The One, and how we deal with conflict. How do we decide who is happy, strong, has it together or has ‘everything’? Time to treat yourself with some self love/respect. A card from another woman sitting on the coffee table, or a gift from someone. terrible traffic or emergency) and are genuinely apologetic, are not very late (e.g. Finally, she stood me up at yet another movie. When we lose ourselves, and so we forget who we are and what matters to us, it's time to halt. You said yes. If you do not – for what reason I cannot comprehend – do not respond. This post got me thinking about what would happen if, instead of making excuses and managing down expectations, EUs told the truth. I don’t do this anymore. We have a great connection, its very relaxed, there is obviously a physical attraction, he is very respectful yet fun and kind, etc. They are not there to ‘protect’ you. He tried to intimidate me when I first started. 3 He Allows The Conversation To Die If we consistently listen to ourselves and learn from those times when we don’t, we will get into a loving, caring, trusting and respectful relationship with ourselves. It didn’t seem harsh. But there are times when you have to start documenting things and know when to quit, file a formal complaint etc. A narcissist. I have been looking for a therapist, I will look for a therapist that has experience with that and PTSD. ... Erika Ettin, founder of dating site A Little Nudge, said one immediate red flag is if your date is late without informing you. And you are absolutely right, this person avoids conflict and is a people pleaser who thinks he can build up good behavior credits. Good job for recognizing her overreaction and getting away from her (protecting yourself)! I even texted her “I can’t believe you’re late!” And she responded with a sad-face. The truth was, I just couldn’t get it together, and didn’t understand the concept of wasting other people’s time. *I can and will enforce a firmer boundary with this guy as it is very clear he will do whatever it takes to get his way. Four feckin hours. Once someone asked me how i could be “so rigid”. I’d hear, ‘I’ll text you after work and we’ll hang out,’ and never hear from him until the next day: ‘I got busy/I fell asleep/I didn’t hear from you either…’ I think part of the reason I didn’t break up with him then and there was that his behavior was SO outrageous, I simply couldn’t believe it and became delusional to reality! Let him marinate in his own juice and then you, exit stage left . upset? * I will quit if that is what I need to do to protect myself. For those of you, that seem to ALWAYS be late-- whether it is work, school, meeting friends or some event-- your friends know you won't eve be the first one there as most likely you WILL be late. If it happened more than once, I would strongly consider not dating him. It was his car and I had no other way to get home so I was stuck sitting there. I’ve heard from so many people who were shocked by their discomfort with saying no *even when* it came to the matter of their health and comfort levels. If you’ve ever stood (or sat) around waiting for somebody who is late, you will understand how frustrating and downright awkward this can be, especially when they either don’t warn you that they’re going to be late or they have a habit of being late on the regular. He asked me about my friend on both dates, things like am I close to her (asked on date one) then how often do I hang out with her (asked on date 2). It might not have been what they intended, but their actions do have consequences that shouldn’t only be experienced by you. mixed emotions? I apologized! We have been dating for over a year so at this point it's just something I've learned to adapt for. I did, however, see his online dating profile where we had met, so I immediately took mine off. He started. But he was an often-makes-plans-and-doesn’t-follow-through type of guy. If we’re not intentional about factoring us into our actions and choices, we will suffer the effects of living our life as if we exist solely for the consumption of others. Lateness is a coping mechanism with it. I think for sure then you have to let this one go. I don’t know why I still want him!!! We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Trust your gut. So for example, if you want to cook dinner by 5:00 pm, you start with 5:00 pm, and then calculate your cooling time, then cooking time, then preparation, etc, all the way back to the beginning, task, and then you know how much time you need. I have no idea if he emailed it that day and something happened or if he back dated it. While most men are happy to pay on the first date, many are wary of dating a woman who never pulls out her purse. I blame myself so badly every time I make a mistake because there is always something I feel I could have done in hindsight/ with better knowledge. I have a friend who is CONSTANTLY late for everything. Another time he simply could have invited me inside but obviously wanted to keep me a secret, so instead of doing that or leaving, he kept me waiting. I have had simple time boundaries for ages. Many men break out all the stops early on in the dating process, but by the fifth of sixth date, the laziness starts to creep in. One guy just came up with a date… I don’t buy it. For every guy who’s superficial and picky, there’s this guy: What we all fall into the trap of doing at one time or another is trying to get people in our present to fill old voids by meeting unmet needs from our past, particularly from childhood. One of the things I’ve learned is that consistently feeling my feelings even though it’s very bloody uncomfortable at times is infinitely better than the results of suppressing and repressing them. He would text or call with varying excuses. Of course not. The reason I ask is because I can sense in your post above that you may realise this is the case on some level but are yet to join up the dots. Last week he tried a different approach with me, he started coming into my office and putting his hand on my shoulder when making a request. I must stress this was not a one time thing. But we got together for lunch a couple weeks ago and had a great time. So now that I am out of the marriage I can handle my own time schedule. It usually ranges from 10 minutes to over an hour. In my career (any career really) the fastest way to get nowhere is to disrespect people’s time and being late is the most blatant way. We either tell them that it starts earlier than it does or we don’t make any arrangements that are dependent on them. Instead, it has made me once again think about my time management. I forgot to say in my older post below – I sometimes verbally state what is going on eg Hey you are touching me! I am calmer and weigh options more carefully, and think ahead more carefully. Also, I discover the easy steps to do, which help give me a sense of accomplishment and encouragement to complete the harder steps, etc. When I told my ex that I was upset by his always running late when we were going to specific work or events/ appointments, he would tell me that I was over-reacting and that we would get there “on time” – that would mean we would walk in exactly on time when most people were there. My boyfriend used to ALWAYS be late for our dates. Whether it is that you are faced with being accused of doing something that is hurting someone else rightfully or wrongfully – ultimately – it is for us to determine/judge ourselves based on our values, gut feeling and act on it appropriately – ie the sentence needs to reflect the crime not one sentence suits all regardless of the situation and protect ourselves better from whatever is going on at all times, so that it cannot hurt us a next time. When you think about some of the things you're still hard on you about and that shape what you allow you to be, do and have or what you avoid, it's like you've been serving a lifetime sentence. They'll step up with consistent actions that match their words. The pay off was a sense of purose, mixed with superiority, comfort, competence, and…I was motivated …, happy with my accomplishments, until I realized how much other people were sucking me dry, (…duped…taken advantage of…people needed to get up off their lazy asses and do it their damn-selves…not my responsibility! Does anyone relate to what I’m trying to say? Well done Elgie – I enjoy it also and you are so right about the anxiety – and of also offending people unnecessarily. They might reason, for instance, that they do a lot of good deeds even though, sure, that’s great but that doesn’t mean that people should pay for that with their lateness plus they may not be acknowledging that there’s underlying resentment about some of their pleasing and over-giving that’s playing itself out through the tardiness. If you're on @blinkist already, check them out. We moved home when I was about nine to about six miles away so I was a bit more isolated after 5 years of this class but I can remember contemplating the bus at quite an early age and feeling absolutely fearless about it. The way that you feel about and deal with timekeeping is really a matter of values, namely your personal values, the ones that speak for your character. I knew I had to make some changes. She justifies that behavior by making a “funny” (NOT) out of it? This may sound a little OCD, but it was what I had to do to get to work on time and stay out of trouble. Thanks for the request. Hearing this from my own brain means I don’t need to hear it from him. The Catch Is That The Guys … In summary, what I call for is for a healthy dose of compassion and a higher level of perception from the victim: not giving the people who are late a pass and not instantly dismissing them, but talking about it in a healthy, understanding way. The thing is, though, when we do this, we turn romantic partners, friends, colleagues, bosses and even strangers into parental replacements or stand-ins for other significant people from our past, and this not only is a case of fuzzy boundaries but futile. Just half kidding. so when this started happening this built a huge paranoia – not helpful – that further eroded the non-trusting-relationship further – conveniently to my relief in the end – as you point out – seeing as I became frightened of her inexperience and what it was going to result in for me – which was in reality loads of trouble being labeled as something actually I am not normally. It might even have become a coping mechanism for dealing with an environment with little or no time boundaries. I knew it would just take time, but some of that time was spent feeling incredibly sad and very depressed. by NATALIE | Jun 23, 2015 | The BS Diet | 124 comments. How much will they put up with? That’s quite the extracurricular activity. The Big Question: Will he try to get in contact with me? The first time around, all this AC-type behavior was new to me, especially coming from a man who pursued me and seemed so interested in me. The ones who don’t care usually call sometime afterwards and whine about how could I leave them, but then somehow manage not to reschedule, and it’s the easiest way to weed these ‘not-really-friends’ or potential romantic partners out without drama. I backed up in my chair. When tardiness is flagged, they make temporary amendments and then slide back into old habits. My current bf, who is the keeper, was late picking me up for our first date. It was my Mom’s passive-aggressive way of getting back at Dad for all of his childish behavior. If I get an apology with a sincere reason for the delay: bummer but not mad. – ! I find when I’m asked questions- I start to think about situations in new ways or how I’ve always thought about them is cemented. And again, maybe it sounds obsessive to people who can get places on time without doing all this…but this is what I have to do to be on time. and waited. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Thank you both for your responses. But if this is your friend or your lover perhaps you might want to try to take a higher perspective. For stuff like dates, chores are done well in advance to avoid possible time conflicts and travel times have a healthy cushion in case of road construction. Being late is not an addiction. Hense actually being a nice caring person but having been made to feel lower than the lowest animal by external, and then internal sources. And start looking for jobs. I have stood up for myself and been calm, cool and collected throughout our entire relationship and I think he can’t stand it. Uggh. It was the maintenance of keeping the addiction stopped, forgiving myself when I caved, that I found hardest. #baggagereclaim #lonelinessquotes #loneliness #lonelinessquotes #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #recoveringperfectionist #recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #peoplepleasers #expressyourself #emotionalintelligence ... A big theme of my forties has been slowing down and honouring my bandwidth. His reply to my email was kind and thoughtful. We know when we’re going to be fifteen minutes late and a person who is four hours late knew this some time between one and two hundred and forty minutes before they decided that they would bother to show up. I let him know that I do not know where the land mines are. Do you have an Overactive Guilt Thyroid? Also, it helps me with my anxiety because I can break the steps down, and prioritize better. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I was a good planner ahead so if there was an important meeting or event I wanted to get there a bit early to get a good seat at the table and be organized if I was presenting which I often was. If they know something is happening, movie, lunch, dinner or another activity that starts at a specific time and everyone else is there on time, we all start without the chronic latecomers. There have been other times where he wasn't late but his time management issues caused for plans to be ruined. In your world, it seems lunch was a building block to a future relationship. If he walked up to me and said: 1.I couldn’t offer you what you wanted or deserved. I cringe when thinking about what I put u with. The stories I hear of name calling, mocking, and arguments related to calling out people on tardiness are unreal! No it wasn’t my conscious intention, I was working hard to be on time. Otherwise punctuality is on a case by case basis. There was one guy who didn’t follow through on plans to come out and see me. Accept it, develop a sense of humor about it, see how it can work in your favor – there is no point in complaining about it, it will eat you up inside and the only person suffering will be you. Andy, it’s promising that you’re self reflective about this and trying to make a change. I met a guy online – he contacted me, who I really like (in all ways!) But even if this doesn’t work for you maybe there is a project that you can do that you enjoy. Someones lateness is not my personal issue to deal with – it is theirs. I can sit and iron all my summer clothes (which I did). If they make a habit of running late and calling, so I won’t leave, I tell them I’m leaving and they can meet me there or we’ll have to plan for another time. There is a variation of this pattern that I experienced with my EUM long term ex. Silence speaks volumes! This is protection indeed AND I have successfully used this before when I thought I’ll do it but never use it… it was so useful I wish I had used this before and it also shows you clearly just what IS going on and how often so you can monitor it and choose to change strategy and avoid further stuff, if needed as well as use it as evidence of harassment. I need to develop a thicker skin and find a healthier/more supportive environment. People can only treat us how we allow them to, however, and anyone who waits around for four hours is saying, “Treat me any way you want. Thank you for your support. I, like so many of us, have been conditioned, socialised, or as we’d say back home in Ireland, had it bred into me (!!) , I used to be “always running late,” (but still making it on time), transitioning from one task, commitment to another because I overextended myself in favor of doing everything I was asked for everyone, and of course I had to do it perfectly. Please forgive yourself for having made a mistake with your therapist and ex and for not being perfect and for accepting responsibility for anything that happened when you were a child. It is hard to do this when your focus is on him. If he has a good reason and is apologetic, I'll totally let it slide. If that doesn't get a reply after a few minutes, I leave. OR wait-and-see: If he does contact you, then YOU get back to HIM a week later, saying, “Thank you, but I’m busy right now.” DON’T explain why you are busy. You will feel and know their interest. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of our intuition as if to say we should 100% know what it means immediately. With the farm/house/day job, my time is pretty tightly scheduled and time to get outside, to read, to socialize, try to meet new folk is kinda sacred and last minute non-planners really can mess up not just one but several days. I’m new, soft spoken, team player, lean towards people pleasing, and my position gives me power over him yet I am in a subordinate role. It could be that in our pursuit of a goal, we’ve lost connection to other things that matter because we’re blinded by who we think we’ll be when we get what we want. When I have called her on it she says ‘but I wouldn’t be interesting if I don’t have a little quirk’ – er, NO! Classes, concerts, movies, and of course meetings and appointments. I had an SO who was always 1-2 hours late with no notice or explanation, even though he had a cellphone and I told him more than once that I expected him to tell me if he was going to be late. I’ve promised myself that I will do better at being shouty about things I've done or am doing. And waited. It’s like saying ‘I’m willing to pay attention to myself even though I don’t know always know what my gut feelings mean because I value and trust myself.’ In turn, we get to understand the language of our gut feelings so that we don’t have to assume the worst or dismiss ourselves. He scapegoated me. A friend of mine was recently kept waiting for four hours – yes, you did read that correctly. 30 minutes if made known, 15 minutes if not to include find me in the movie theatre. We shouldn’t just label people who are late to be narcissistic and cut them from our life. Instead he kept me waiting and moving his car. *I’ve successfully suppressed/overridden my need to over give/please. It’s lateness, procrastination, and sometimes doing nothing when it comes to personal projects and things at home. Address Your Needs. He never booked his flight, but I broke up with him for something else, prior to that discovery. He talks about how hot another guy is on your first date; 3. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough for me to stop seeing him, but it was one of the most hurful things he could have done because it was intentional. Really liked this one too. I am sure he had a good time with you, but it was not a steppingstone to “more” in his world. If we’re not intentional about factoring us into our actions and choices, we will suffer the effects of living our life as if we exist solely for the consumption of others. If I’m going somewhere that is out of my routine, again, I follow the procedure of counting backward. It’s these assumptions and judgments that stop us from humanising ourselves and others. Day in and day out. I could be wrong, but I don’t think he was aware of the extent of what I was dealing with. Of course he did not NEED me to wake him up, he is a grown man! They were in the car downstairs – I was still blow drying my hair. Luckily, I pulled myself up by the bootstraps when I realised how rude and inconsiderate being habitually late really is – I’m not talking about the few minutes which might be caused by difficulty finding a parking space, say – but a total lack of caring about the other person. If they are late once, I'm not pleased but it's not an immediate deal breaker. He seemed sheepish the one and only I’ve seen him. It is important to me to be on time and I think it does show disrespect to others to be late repeatedly. I organise my time better. So first, you are always late and then you are not accepting responsibility and blaming the other people for calling you out on it? Took him all of two weeks. So I started my mantra out loud again “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable”. I realised that a guy I was dating was probably not going to be anything other than that after he’d left me waiting on the sea front for 20 minutes on a really foul day – rain coming in horizontally, wind speeds of 50 mph, all that – then turned up with a smile “How can you ever forgive me? The therapist was the first time in my life I have been called out on being regularly late and I was genuinely confused and quite frightened because I thought here is another person attempting to make me feel bad about something I’m not doing ie doing something on purpose to hurt them. It becomes a passive aggressive power struggle that can really shake your confidence and stoke resentment. I hate texts to be honest but that's just me. Good luck Veracity…. Louder, just in case you didn't hear it down the back! You could just shrug it off – some people be effing bleep bleeps and thats life. Treat them mean – keep them keen. …still learning, but getting better at it. He screamed at me. My current boyfriend has terrible time management skills, so he is almost always late. Unhappiness and loneliness consume time and accomplish very little. I have been bummed all week about it but had to let him go because I wasn’t happy with being involved either. It was his way of making sure I would not abandon him. If you’re habitually late, try to consider other people’s positions (empathy) as well as the commitments that you’re making and get familiar with your habits and acknowledge any passive aggression lurking beneath, no matter how small. I felt so humiliated that I’d waited for him all night, I decided there and then that this man was more interested in using substances(legal &illegal ones) than he ever could be in me. Instead your needs and feelings were treated as if they didn’t matter, as if you didn’t matter. Months later he told me it was because he was trying on every nice shirt he owned trying to look his best. Putting time and effort into new friendships. I was raised by the self-absorbed so I picked up some very bad habits. Don't ever wait on a guy. I have no expectation this will ever happen but I made this list and thought, Wow, I’d respect him if he said that. I sat there in my dorm room, showered, hair curled, makeup on…. If you’ve discussed a date to the extent that you know when and where to meet him, it can be quite perplexing to determine the best course of action if the man in question has gone radio silent. Incredibly annoying, time wasting, and if it involves a stuck car, potentially dangerous. While no man should always be expected to plan five-star dates, at the same time, the romance shouldn't just completely fall off a cliff at once. This is another facet of Nat’s ‘one shot, keep it simple’ philosophy. I was sitting there thinking “Damnit, she better be in the hospital for an excuse this time,” and when I realized I was thinking this I realized our “friendship” was over. It’s probably not the first time he’s pulled this crap and it certainly won’t be the last because a man who doesn’t respect your time doesn’t respect you. What to do when a guy is late for a date: FREE Download: These 12 Irresistible Text Messages will Make Him Yours... #7 Will Blow Your Mind! I already packed for my July vacation that I am taking alone. They think they're outwitting everyone and that they can bully any ’detractors’ into submission. He may or may not call after a few weeks. The whole point of Andy’s post is that he finally became aware of his bad behavior and now he wants to fix it. Now, I am alone. I’d count backwards — okay, I have to report to work by 8:00, so that means that I should plan to be there by 7:45. Sometimes, I actually write this all down — what time I have to start getting ready, what time I will actually leave to go to the meeting, or the restaurant or whatever. No one is allowed to eat or breathe in them(lol). Organized as in “stuff” – in my house, on my desk, in my car. Go have some fun. It was the first time I was meeting this guy and he showed up 45 minutes late to meet us. All this left me completely stressed and feeling I had to take on more responsibility because some of the things he didn’t do were important. how-to-make-a-guy-fall-in-love-with-you. You didn’t deserve the way you were treated by any of those people. My two-year-old self served a twenty-six-year sentence for my parents breakup. The real ones, not ignoring that you have needs around trust. If it was half an hour or more I'd suggest rescheduling and leave. He was a patholigical liar who I sussed out fairly quickly. I made my routine and stuck to it, even if I didn’t want to. Four hours late to a date??!?! I’ve heard from so many people who were shocked by their discomfort with saying no *even when* it came to the matter of their health and comfort levels. Go get a full body massage. End the Date if Necessary. Its better to play along a bit and start saying how ‘concerned’ you are about x (and x shouldn’t be that person but something totally off topic but its more to flag to your boss that you’re ‘working so hard to figure out’ your work etc., and there are challenges that you’ve solved etc. While we were waiting, she said that this wasn’t a big deal at all. But if we register that we picked up *something*, we then become open to receiving further intel. We just talk on the phone, keeps me sane. I am very professional and usually hold my ground. You have the most important person around right now that you need to LOVE- YOURSELF. Okay, what time do I have to be there? When we “fall” for someone, it is hard to accept that they did not “fall” too. I’m consistently a couple of minutes late for work which is obviously a problem and usually much later than that when meeting friends. There’s a ‘why’ in everything that we do, and knowing why we’re doing something, and so being aware of hidden motivations or competing fears keeps us honest and ensures, not just that we enjoy more successful outcomes but that we don’t hurt others and then cling to our ‘good intentions’ instead of taking responsibility. One book on addictions that I remember I found useful to me was Alan Carr’s book to give up smoking? I called him back on the same day and left a message and it’s Sunday night and he hasn’t called me back to arrange anything. I’m just gone and on my merry way. And if you're not, you can do a free 7-day trial via the link in my bio.

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